The idea is vivid in my mind. Brilliant. Perfection. And that's the problem. Eager to start, I gather my supplies and then freeze. What if it doesn't come out like I envision? What if it isn't perfect? What if I waste my time? Waste all this money? What if I completely screw up?
I'm used to something always being wrong with the work I do. There's always someone right there to say that I got this or that wrong. That I chose the wrong colors, the wrong font, the wrong words, the wrong angle. I really can't think of anything I've created that was just right. Even as a child my father would seem to sneak up from behind, grab whatever I was working on and take over, because it wasn't right.
Then again, there are times when we absolutely need a second pair of eyes. And I am so eternally thankful for those who help me to create my stories, because I am hopelessly, grammatically challenged. And I am nothing without them. But this is art, and once I begin there won't be anyone around to take over and fix things.
By coincidence, I can literally see the painting I had imagined in the grain of this wood. It's almost a paint by number. I can see the waves rolling onto the beach, the clouds in the horizon, the gradation of sunset. Seems it'd be so easy, right? To just start painting and layering color between the grains. But I've never painted a sunset before. Or the ocean. I have no instructions, just an idea.
So, I'm waiting on permission from myself to start this project, and to allow myself to mess up. Do I attempt abstract or realism? Can I handle more imperfection? And will everything still be right with the world if, once again, I fail?
I love this so much, Ann. It feels so intimate to me, like you're inviting us into this private moment where you're right on the brink. I love that you're naming the fears and that you're waiting on permission from yourself to start this project. It already feels so alive to me. The moment of creation. I hope that you bring all of your "messes" here. All of the imperfection and perfection. I want to see it all. Thank you for this.